6:15a - Get up to head to SFO for a vacation in beautiful Cabo San Lucas with the fiance. She's literally jumping down she's so excited.
6:35a - Sleepily, I emerge from the shower and get prepared for the trip. All packed, everything's go. A couple of last steps; just grab an espresso and a quick bite and open the laptop and check in for the flight. Curiously, I wonder why it has taken me so long to complete the 3 second task of an online check-in. I never wait this long. Must have been really busy.
6:45a - Flip open the Macbook and punch in United's site. Check-In. Yes. Name of passenger. Doug. Date of departure. Today, August 11th you nimrods. Passport number. #. Date of Expiration. 4 jun 09. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!
6:55A - Told the fiance. Curse words. Disdain. Nauseousness ensues. This one truly takes the proverbial cake.
7a - 7:45a - A long and painful car ride to SFO suffering from further nausea and the crackling static of silence. A discussion of what could possibly be done takes place. "You'll probably have to pay for the change of ticket between today's price and where you bought it" ($750 - $1000). "You'll need to be issued a new passport" "Rush passports can only be processed in 3-10 business days." "They don't make passports in a day" I'm scheduled to come back on Monday 8/18.
8:00a - Arrive at SFO International terminal. Wait in line with bags as if. Fiancé's at the "Bag Drop", must be nice. My turn is up. Brutal looking older Asian lady. She takes my passport and chucks it back at me. Literally throws it at me. "Expired passport." "Sorry." "You no go today". This site very nearly turned into a terrorist blog at this point and time. I proceed head down to the forlorn "Ticketing" booth.
8:03a - I'm lying that it's my honeymoon right about now. She totally buys it. Is demonstrably cooler than evil bitch back there and begins the process of separating the tickets, even though they were purchased on Orbitz and that's nearly impossible to pull off. I think she feels the pain too. Fiance's owned up to the fact that she's going to have to spend at least a day and a night by herself in paradise.
8:05a - Ticketing agent calls her supervisor who comes promptly and does the unthinkable - she books me on the very flight out without me having to pay for a penalty change fee or the difference in ticket fee. An angel! And this United Air. OMFG! Agent also tell supervisor that the check-in witch from the other side didn't do her job. Supervisor takes her in her office. Sweeet.
8:07a - Big hug and a kiss from the fiance. "You'll have to make it up to me" No shit. She's off to paradise. I'm headed back to the street, bags in tow.
8:15a - Call the National Passport Center. "You'll have to get on our automated line sir in order to make an appointment for the SF Office. Let me put you through." I get connected, then, dial tone. Another agent "Well sir that's one of the busiest offices in the country. You have but a slim chance of getting a passport today. I'm going to send you the overflow office at SF City Hall - there might be a chance that you can get one there."
9:40a - Walgreen's 1hr Photo Lab, Los Altos, CA. Sorry sir, our passport picture machine's out of order. Fuck off, dork.
9:46a - Kinko's, Mountain View, CA. Pictures taken with, what do you know, a digital camera. Wow, amazing. Print passport applications. Cool chick hands me the goods 3 minutes in. I'm out with the pix.
10:42a - San Francisco City Hall, National Passport Agency "Overflow" Center. Security Guard & Metal Detector agent: "Room 104? There's no room 104 here sir."
"....."
"You must mean room 140." "Pass thru."
10:45a - pee in the "Upper Light Plaza" of the Civic Center. Old but well-kept abodes. Most design I've seen in a bathroom in a while.
10:49a arrive at the Passport office. Take a number. Wait. and Wait. My number. "Please, please, you gotta help me. I was supposed to go on my honeymoon and my passport expired and I was told that I could get one here."
"Who told you that?"
"The National Passport line or whatever, that's what they told me. The "overflow" center in room 104!"
"Well we can't make 'em here."
"WHAT! So what am I supposed to DO!"
"You'll have to main Passport agency on Folsom & Hawthorne sir. There's nothing we can do here. I don't know who told you that."
Jesus.
11:05a Park and arrive at the passport center. I'm running at this point because it's almost noon and I have no chance of possibly getting anything today. I'll probably get it by the 13th and get to Cabo on the 14th. So we're looking at 2 full days in Cabo, max.
11:09a Made it to the office. I'm looking to see a throng of people in the office. Surprisingly, it's rather light in here, not too many people. "Do you have an appointment sir?"
"Well no I just came from City Hall where they told me to go and they sent me here and I tried to call and get an appointment and they wouldn't let me etc. etc. etc." I'm stopped mid-story and passed through the metal detector after another rendition of the "honeymoon" story. I'm cut off mid-story. "Just go to check-in sir".
11:15a Check in. Another rendition of the story. I'm cut off yet again. "Where's your travel itinerary? Photos? Ok, ok, ok. Fill this out." I fill out the paperwork in a minute flat and rush it back to the counter. Still no idea what's going on. "Ok sir, here's number 96. You are two numbers away. You have no idea how lucky you are." Oh my god - did I catch a break. Is this going to actually happen?
11:21a Exactly 6 minutes later - number 96 is called. This can't be for real. That has to be a world record in Passport office waiting times! I approach the counter and gear up for my most emotional rendition of the story yet. Again, I'm cut off. "Pictures." "Application." "Ok that will be $155." "Come back between 3p and 4p and go to Will Call to pick up your passport."
Elation and disbelief.
3:00p Hustle back to the passport office. Still nothing in my hands yet. But hey, I'm go to Will Call. This should be cake.
3:21p Arrival at the passport office. A line is snaking out of the building. Fuck me. I ask the National security officer what's going on, secretly cutting the line in the process. Some people catch it and hiss. But I'm in and next for the elevator. If I didn't cut it would've been my ass. In so many ways.
3:22p Off the elevator and back into the office. Hmm. I see the Will Call window but there's no action there. Instead I see a queue line snaking around the full perimeter of the office and starting to spiral inward. Ha. Glad I came early. I ask a girl "What's the line for?" as I slide into position #1 for Will Call. "Will Call!" she hisses. Christ. To the inner spiral of the line I go.
3:30p Make it the the "end" of the line. Stand and wait. I'm never making it to the window by 4p. I'm hosed at the end of this whole journey. All hope is lost.
3:50p The line isn't moving. People start talking to each other. CNN is blaring a segment that is ironically questioning the president, in the National passport office. A discussion about national healthcare ripples up and down the length of the line.
4:20p Still waiting but they haven't escorted us out. More phycological trauma. Is this happening or what?
4:40p The line creeps one position. Oh, somebody went to the bathroom. He returns. Line creeps back.
5:00p Line starts moving. And moving faster. People are receiving blue envelopes at Will Call. Oh my god! They're handing out passports! They're handing out passports praise be to God!
5:20p I'm next! The chick in front of me just got a passport!
5:21p My turn! I go to the same guy that I gave my first rendering of the story too. He smirks and flips me a passport. I DIT IT!!!!!!!!!!!
5:30p Mobile Check-In on the iPhone (a true saviour today) with new passport. I'm on. I start skipping down the street. Then stop. I take a picture of a guy in a Giants uniform shining the shoes of fan who has a Dodger hat on and crack up. God is great.
Lesson: Never assume anything. Check everything, all the time.
